Catatonic

First five pages

Synopsis

An empty nest couple try to fill the void in their lives by arguing about their dog's haircut, but sometimes the concern for each other shines through.

Time

The present

Setting

A country house in Rhineclliff, New York

Cast

Mary and Tom, empty nesters 50 +

AT RISE: Pavarotti on the TV singing in the background for Princess Diana. Is there a time for tying ribbons, for tying Christmas trees. A time for laying the table with.

Mary
I hate our dog groomer. Coming with his portable table and clippers and trying to skin our miniature poodle. Thank god he doesn’t do cats.

Tom
He’s cheap. Comes to the house.

Mary
Last time, I heard Tattoo yelping in the kitchen.

Tom
It’s summer and he needs to feel cool.

Mary
I had to go stop that Russian scalper, long-bearded, hippy, razor happy dog shaver.

Tom
He says the solution is for you to comb the dog’s mats.

Mary
That’s right, put the wife to work. The cat sheds just fine.

Tom
Are you going to stay mad at me?

Mary
While I’m at Omega trying to evolve my soul, the bearded one sneaks in, and worms his way into your scientific soft self. He’s been lying in wait while Tattoo’s ears grew.

Tom
You want some chips?

Mary
And he looked proud and dashing, like a real poodle.

Tom
Are you done with this coffee?

Mary
I don’t know how many times I have to tell this butcher that I don’t want my dog’s ears bald?

Tom
He left hair on his tail, head, and feet. He avoided the cat. (Laughs) You should have some catitude.

Mary
He left hair on his head like a box because he knew I’d crucify you if I came home and saw him scalped.

Tom
I thought you were working on love and forgiveness at Omega.

Mary
I am.

Tom
And not hurting people.

Mary
That’s why it’s so terrible to see this raging side of my brutal self.

Tom
You want some soup?

Mary
I can’t leave you alone with the dog and that bearded one and-- Lord, the pink skin is peeking through. His ears look like leaves where before they were like flags. (Eats a chip) Thanks.

Tom
What do you want to drink?

Mary
Wine.

Tom
I’m sorry. I won’t let it happen again. Pet the cat.

Mary
When a woman gets a bad haircut, she can wear a hat.

Tom
Go ahead and let me have it. I’m not afraid.

Mary
And what’s this gobble gobble about the dog’s long matted ears? It’s why he looks like a poodle. The last time that bearded one cut his ears they were bleeding and scabby. God, he had to have band-aids.

Tom
(To dog) I know, Tattoo. Mama and I are going to have to protect your ears.

Mary
For John’s wedding, that man skinned Tattoo. The pup was so ashamed he hid in the drapes and pulled them down. John was leaving, & all I had was this adorable little poodle. But now he was shaking like a rat, and wouldn’t show himself off to the guests.

Tom
Oh, God, you're writing stuff down about me. You are screwed up, girl. Can’t you enjoy the cat?

Mary
The cat? Everywhere I show up she’s someplace else. … It’s not your fault. I’m used to having kids around me and action. Don’t text anyone pictures of the pup until his ears grow out. And don’t let that Nazi vampire, bearded, closet Rumplestilskin near him. Why can’t he skin his own dog?

Tom
It won’t happen again. Are you going to eat up here with Tom?

(To dog) You’re happy. You’re not panting. Granted they shouldn’t have taken all the hair off your ears.
(To Mary) Are you still writing hate notes to Tom? What are you going to do, save them, and give them to me when I’m weak?
(To Tattoo) Us men have got to stick together.

(Pavarotti plays on the TV, “Samsom and Delilah. Have Pity on my Weakness.”)

Tom
(Referring to the show) I don’t want to watch this. I’ll let you watch it if you won’t stay mad.

Mary
I can’t make this dog into my child. It’s ridiculous.

Tom
I admit that shaving his ears down to nubs was wrong.

Mary
Still he can tell when he looks cute and when he doesn’t.

Tom
You are more upset about the dog than about my heart condition.

Mary
Not really. But your heart is totally out of my control.

Tom
Tattoo and I have developed a closeness the last few days. You notice he’s around me, not you.

(Long pause)

Mary
I am worried about your heart.

Tom
If it skips, I’ll tell you. I’m going to measure it every day till I go back to the doctor’s.